Honoring Your “Shadow Self” is to Accept Your Full Self
By Melissa Hale
When was the last time you let yourself fall apart?
I’m talking about the mascara-faced, snotty nosed, incoherent, sobbing situation. Or perhaps the rage-filled, angry, plate-throwing, swearing, monster? What about the devastated, depressed, can’t-get- out-of- bed-scared- as-shit person? While these may be extreme examples, what if there was something to be honored about each of them?
If you’re the type of person who doesn’t think you have a shadow side, I get it. I used to be one of you. I learned early that all I needed to do was to smile and nod, tell everyone including myself that I was always “okay.” Life was pleasant here, uneventful, and it felt comfortable to believe that I didn’t really have any sadness, or fear. In fact, up until a few years ago, I would have told you that I just didn’t have a lot of anger.
If your life feels stuck, think about this: embracing the dark often leads to profound transformation. One of my favorite authors, Sharon Blackie, writes, “When we descend into the dark, we find ourselves literally losing the plot. We find ourselves between stories. All of the stories we have told ourselves about who we are begin to disintegrate.”
Even at the age of 12, when I was diagnosed with childhood cancer, I didn’t allow myself to dwell in the dark places that existed inside of me. While my friends from the hospital got sicker, and some even died, I buried myself into self-help and positive thinking books. On the outside I looked like a success story; within a few years I was cured of cancer and I became a militant positive-thinker. I even remember being on local TV talking about the success of my illness and quoting a book called You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought—my illness bible.
Enter my shadow side. It couldn’t stay suppressed for long. Around age 15, I started having anxiety—a lot of it. I started hating my body. I distrusted it in a profound way. I was totally insecure about myself, my purpose on this planet, and my identity. Why couldn’t I be the laid back child I was once? The more I forced myself to fit into positive thinking, the more I began to hate myself. WTF was happening and why wasn’t my positive thinking working anymore?
Almost 26 years after my cancer diagnosis, I have found a deep understanding of my own shadow side. In fact, I have come to honor and love that part of me. It’s primal, instinctive, and dark. It’s a place of
rebirth and renewal. A place where I can sit in my own inner darkness and determine what needs to be let go of in my life and what needs to be born.
Visiting my shadow side more frequently has allowed me to continue to take profound leaps toward leading a more fulfilling life. I am no longer living in fear; instead I try to embrace it. When my anxiety rears its head, I try to honor it and welcome whatever lessons it is trying to teach me.
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