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Dating For Millennials

By: Deborah Lukovich

Some of the relationship challenges millennials face include navigating the endless number of online dating apps, deciphering the mysterious language of texting, women not finding men who are ready to commit, men ready to commit but not finding the right woman, and learning how to be in a relationship without losing a sense of independence. There seems to be lots of frustration, hurt feelings, and even desperation to find that special someone.

There’s something deeper going on here, both within individual men and women as well as culturally. If we could figure it out using our minds, we would have done that already, so I propose a new approach, an approach that takes into consideration the mysterious forces of our unconscious.

Depth psychology is the study of the unconscious as a source of wisdom, largely based on the work of C.G. Jung. I call it soul psychology. Working with my own unconscious has become part of my spiritual practice and healing process. I love empowering others with tools to tap into the wisdom their unconscious has to offer to help with healing or guidance on their life’s journey – or in this case, finding that special someone.

My most recent wound was the end of my 22 year marriage, after which I found myself having to learn how to relate to men romantically. Yikes! The rules of dating had definitely changed. For six months, I was obsessed with online dating and learned a lot about myself from the men I met. I found that meaning can be found in every encounter especially when they don’t work out the way we had hoped or expected. In fact, I felt as though each encounter had a specific lesson for me to learn.

Perhaps because of my personal experience, I am very interested in relationships between men and women. I wonder if what is beneath the surface of relationship challenges are not only personal wounds but cultural wounds as well. For example, when I was super independent and opinionated in my 20’s, I realize now how I confused men and left them no important role in a relationship. But I was like most of the women around me, proving that I was competent in a “man’s world”. In effect, men were forced to share the power. I would argue that this shift has led to a lot of confusion in modern day dating and relationships. Women may fear that being receptive means giving up power, and men may wonder how to walk the line between showing love and desiring respect. One of my 35 year old male friends asked me recently, “How am I supposed to act as a man?”

Going a little deeper into ourselves and learning about how we sometimes attract the opposite of what we’re looking for can completely change the energy you put out and who you attract. Along the way, you can see your failed relationships more as practice, like individual romantic comedies.

Deborah Lukovich is an expert in Depth Psychology and is a workshop instructor at Elle. Join her on Wednesday, July 18th, as she teaches you how to use this discipline to navigate the complex world of dating. Register on our workshops page.