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The Art of Dating

By: Deborah Lukovich

If you want a hint about what is happening in today’s culture, go to the movies. The Netflix algorithm does not disappoint. Recently, I noticed a movie called Newness about two millennials in LA navigating a social media-driven hookup culture. The movie captured brilliantly the sense that everything is up for grabs when it comes to relationships these days. Some may frown upon what feels like an everything and anything goes culture, but I think that the purpose of all this exploration is for something new to emerge that brings deeper connection between people who feel drawn to each other. I like to refer to my studies in depth psychology to provide a new perspective and framework for those trying to find love. One that takes into account how we are currently evolving in romantic relationships:

Love at first sight and opposites attract: In many cases, that initial attraction, especially among opposites, turns into resentment if the couple is not aware of the deeper purpose of the attraction. This is often that the person you are attracted to embodies traits that are undeveloped in yourself. So the actual purpose of the attraction is to challenge yourself. The problem is that if you do not develop these traits you so admire in that person, you later come to resent them. So instead, try and reflect or journal about what you seem to be most attracted to in romantic partners and consider whether these traits are actually your weaknesses.

Parents as our first examples of relationship: We just can’t get away from the impact our parents have on how we think and behave. We may have had the most wonderful childhood, but there are still patterns that can sometimes not to work for us, and if we’re not conscious of where those patterns come from, then we can’t change them. Try to reflect or journal about your parents’ relationship and try to identify your own patterns of relating to others that may have developed as a result. By the way, siblings will not develop the same patterns even though they have the same parents.

Psychological type: You may have heard of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test that identifies 16 general psychological types that describe people’s way of being in the world. There are some types that are naturally complementary and others that can be disasters unless the couple consciously works on their self-awareness. The people we are attracted to and the people who repel us are often mirrors for what is lacking in ourselves. Try taking any of the many free versions of the psychological type assessment online and see what you can learn about how you relate to romantic partners.

Relationships with others are so often a reflection of how you relate to yourself. Especially with dating, knowing who you are is so incredibly important. In this way, the art of dating becomes the art of self-exploration.

Deborah Lukovich is an expert of depth psychology who helps people gain new deeper insights into themselves. Grab your single friends and join her workshop, The Art of Dating, on Wednesday, November 7th.