Blog

Holding Space for Trauma

I would like to preface this blog by saying that it is written for everyone, because I believe that we all ought to know how to create a holding space for trauma. A holding space is a place free of any judgment or agenda. It is a place that you create for the individual where you are emotionally, physically, and mentally present with them. Holding space for someone is where curiosity and kindness are prioritized over challenge and reasoning.

There is a memory that sits with me to this day. It happened during college, on a rainy afternoon. I was waiting at the campus bus stop where another woman stood next to me. She was my age, hair in a bun, makeup done, and clothes on point. I made a mental note of our doc martens and I was about to comment on her shoes when her phone rang. I sat back on the bus stop bench and tried to mind my own business while she took her call. I couldn’t help but overhear, “Yeah, I plan on picking her up and driving down for mom’s funeral.” At that moment, I looked at her again. This time, I noticed how tired, pale, and skinny she was.

I sat there silently. Headphones in my ears as I tried to create as much physical space between her and I to give her privacy. Mind you, this bus stop is the size of the box you stood in when you played foursquare as a kid. When she ended the call, she looked back at me and smiled—almost felt like an apology. It was as if she wanted to make sure her conversation wasn’t “inconvenient” for me. I took my headphones out and walked up to her, “Hey, I wanted to tell you that I love your choice of docs.” She looked at me and looked down at my shoes and said, “No way dude, we are twinning.” For the next five minutes, we talked about our shoes and our grungy style, where we buy our clothes, our favorite stores, and the upcoming sales. As I saw the bus coming toward us, I remarked, “We should go shopping together…” She looked at me and said, “Retail therapy is exactly what I need right now.”

We exchanged numbers on the bus and, yes, we did go shopping. As we got to know one another, we exchanged life stories. I learned about her mom’s death and long battle with cancer. I’ll never forget what she said though: “Thanks for telling me you liked my docs, honestly it made my day.”

We cannot claim to know what someone is going through. Trauma is like an iceberg. There’s only a little bit of it that is visible. The rest—the depth, pain, and aching—is oftentimes invisible. But even the smallest act of kindness can go a long way in cultivating some relief from the heaviness.

Here are my tips for holding space: 

Redefine listening. 

You are not listening to respond. Instead, I encourage, listening to realize. You are actively engaging in the conversation by simply becoming a place for the other person to verbally process what exists within them. A good technique to practice is paraphrasing/summarizing. When someone expresses their feelings, paraphrase what you heard to make sure you understand. 

Do not problem solve.  

Trauma is not something that can be solved. The only option we have is to approach it with sensitivity. Honor the severity of how it impacted the person you care about by being sure not to minimize it using problem-solving techniques.

Don’t bring yourself into the conversation. 

I’m going to say this once: it is not about you. Do not try and empathize using your own life experience. It puts the other individual in a very awkward place because it shifts the direction of comfort. This is also another form of problem-solving. Instead, we can allude to a time in our life where a life experience of ours has made us feel a certain emotion that mirrors the emotional state the individual is speaking to. But let them guide the conversation.

Respect. 

Vulnerability is painfully difficult, especially when it comes to trauma. It is important to respect their choice in terms of how much they choose to disclose to you and honor the pace at which they are exploring their trauma. By doing so, you will cultivate comfort and security, something that trauma likely took away from the individual. And, if they want space, give them space. Healing is not something that can be forced. 

The emotional fallout of trauma is something that comes in waves. Sometimes it is a tidal wave and other times it is a ripple. Therefore, grandiose gestures of kindness are not needed. Instead, offer kindness by tending to the individual’s basic needs. That includes making them food, washing their hair, doing their laundry. Physical comforts such as hugging, cuddling, or holding is an option, but an option that I encourage you to get permission to do first. There is nothing wrong with asking the individual: “Would you like a hug?” Ultimately, trauma is something that psycho-physiologically dysregulates the individual. Helping the individual relax in small ways can make a huge difference. Lastly, educating yourself is key. Becoming trauma-informed will help the individual and you in understanding the journey to healing that lies ahead.

To my fellow readers who are healing from trauma, remember, we inspire greatness and strength. To live with trauma takes an immense amount of grit and grace.

For the love of healing, Elle offers Mindbody Therapy for Trauma. A holding space for trauma.