Blog

Building Emotional Tolerance

If I asked you to sit and truly feel your emotions for what they were, would you know what to do? So many of us struggle with this or are completely repulsed by the idea itself. In the words of one of my clients, “Emotions? Gross!” When we lack emotional tolerance, we usually end up using logic in order to avoid emotions completely. We do this by “thinking our emotions” instead of feeling them. 

There are three different ways in which one might do this: the first includes thinking traps or cognitive distortions. This is when we jump to conclusions, catastrophize how bad a scenario actually is, mind-read or assume other peoples’ thoughts, or engage in all-or-nothing thinking. Thinking traps tend to maintain or escalate our emotions in a way that makes the situation feel a lot worse in the long-run. 

The second way we think instead of feel involves over-rationalization of our emotions. This is an attempt to understand the emotion using logic, with the belief that this will make the emotion go away. Over-rationalization is a way of emotionally avoiding and detaching ourselves from the rawness of the experience in order to avoid pain. Unfortunately, this often leads to built-up emotional explosions that feel intolerable. 

Last is self-criticism. Self-criticism is often meant as a means of self-improvement, but is rarely effective in the long-run due to how hopeless and exhausted we feel afterwards. Self-criticism never actually fixes the problem and may completely ignore other factors that contributed to the emotion in the first place. 

Each time we think our emotions, it may feel like the least painful option. However, what we’re really doing is blowing more and more air into a balloon that will eventually explode. Each time we explode, it feels intolerable and reinforces the desire to never experience emotions again. See the pattern? 

Building emotional tolerance is to slowly and gently release air from our balloon. This process involves following the natural course of an emotion—otherwise known as riding the emotional wave. If you allow an emotion to come up and through, it will naturally decrease on its own without you needing to do anything! When we allow ourselves to truly feel and quiet our minds, we can then process and respond to the emotional need more directly so that we can ultimately move on. These emotional experiences will start to feel more tolerable, take less time to recover from and allow more room for compassionate thought. 

So let’s get down to it… What does it mean to actually feel your emotion? 

Step 1: Pause and identify what emotion is coming up. If you don’t know, start with labeling the types of thoughts you notice (i.e. judgmental, critical, anxious, sad). 

Step 2: Quiet your thoughts; try not to use thinking traps, over-rationalizing or self-criticism. Practicing meditation regularly can really help with this step! 

Step 3: Pause and tune in with your physical sensations using a body scan. Notice any discomfort and visualize your breath and healing energy going into that area of your body. 

Step 4. Use self-validation to give permission and approach this emotion. For example, “I can do this,” or, “My emotions may feel difficult, but it is safe to feel them.” 

Step 5. Use a coping skill that will meet the need more directly, such as journaling or talking to a friend. Observe if this emotion may have resulted in behaviors or urges to engage in self-sabotaging patterns (i.e. self-harm or substance use).

Practice this as often as your emotions come up, and it will get easier. Emotional tolerance is a mental muscle, and although it may make us feel weak or vulnerable sometimes, it sure does take a lot of strength and courage.

Leah Hovel is a psychotherapist at Elle Studio + Wellness, specializing in adolescents and adults struggling with anxiety, eating disorders, mood disorders, and trauma.