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The Pitfalls of People Pleasing

Today at the grocery store, I was maneuvering my cart around and found myself blocked by someone walking slowly and taking up most of the aisle. I waited patiently in silence until he saw me and then said, “I’m sorry,” when he moved to make space for me to walk through. At that moment, I caught myself wondering why I apologized for simply existing in the same space and having a need to walk by? This grocery store phenomenon clearly captures people-pleasing tendencies that many of us can relate to. 

Many of us are taught (intentionally or unintentionally) that we burden others with the space we take up. This results in constant efforts to minimize our emotions, thoughts, and even our bodies. 

Oftentimes, people-pleasing is a coping mechanism, developed out of necessity, in environments that don’t create safety to live authentically. This frequently occurs, for example, when expressing an opinion that may conflict with someone else. Sure, it’s easier to just “go with the flow” and allow someone’s needs ahead of our own. But a lifetime of catering to the needs of others first creates low self-worth and lack of boundaries. 

It’s important to thank our coping mechanisms for all the times they’ve kept us safe, but there is a time to let go of behaviors that no longer serve our highest good. 

People-pleasing may also become a barrier when we need support from others, especially when we are struggling emotionally. We know our friends and families have their own struggles too, and it seems thoughtful to try not to add more to their plate. However, people-pleasing can lead to feeling like a burden to others or feeling as though we don’t belong. These emotions can then increase depression, anxiety and even suicidal thoughts or behaviors. This goes to show how serious it is to not be responsive to our own emotional and physical needs for the fear of how it may impact those around us.

Have you ever had an experience in which someone directly asked you for your support, opened themselves up to you, and it made you admire or love them even more? We forget that through asking for help, we can meet our needs directly and connect with someone deeply in a way that is reciprocal for both parties. 

Overcoming people-pleasing tendencies requires one important thing: a sense of self-deservingness. I’m not asking you to parade yourself around the grocery store acting like you and your cart are better than everyone else. But I do challenge you to consider your needs as just as important as those around you. 

Let’s start by exploring the idea further. Here are a few journaling prompts to get you started:

When and how did I learn that it was not okay to inconvenience or burden others? 

How has people-pleasing served me in the past and how is it holding me back currently?

What am I afraid to ask for or tell someone? And why is that important for them to hear?

What in my life would need to change in order for me to feel that I deserve to take up space (mentally, emotionally, and physically) just like others do?

What steps are you willing to start with today to practice the skill of reducing people-pleasing behaviors and living more authentically, even if it’s scary? Remember, you are worthy. You are courageous. And you certainly have a right to exist.

Leah Hovel is a psychotherapist at Elle Studio + Wellness, specializing in adolescents and adults struggling with anxiety, eating disorders, mood disorders, and trauma.