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The Savior Complex

Ever wonder why the universe just seems to send us the same repeating situations over and over again? You might notice this in your relationships. One toxic person leaves, and another toxic person enters. What is it about them, or us, that contributes to falling into the same trap one after another?

Codependency. 

I hear this word tossed around often very casually, but what does it actually look like? The American Psychological Association (APA) defines codependency as “the state of being [in] a relationship between two individuals who are emotionally dependent on one another,” and “a dysfunctional relationship pattern in which an individual is psychologically dependent on or controlled by a person who has a pathological addiction.” 

Codependence is often said to be the act of lighting ourselves on fire in order to save someone else. This dynamic results in the creation of the Savior Complex. Now one could argue, why shouldn’t we try to protect and help the ones we love? The reward we feel when we see a positive transformation in someone we love is unmatched. But it may turn out to be short lived for someone who isn’t interested in making the change for themselves. 

I invite you to reflect further on this. The Savior Complex asks that we become willing to tolerate weeks, months, or even years of emotional neglect and abuse in an attempt to show our love for others. Moreover, we may start to merge our emotions and identity with our partner. If they are upset, you might also become upset or find yourself desperately attempting to fix it as a means of coping with your own discomfort with their emotions.

These patterns are often a result of coping mechanisms born from developmental trauma or attachment styles we develop early on in life. Moreover, we might even be attracted to those who treat us poorly simply out of familiarity. We tend to move towards that which makes sense in our version of reality and away from things that contradict what we believe to be true. You might find that these relationships tend not to last, despite maybe being long and drawn out. They also don’t result in a whole lot of peace or contentment for either party. 

The overwhelming lesson from these relationships is that when we don’t prioritize our needs in the beginning of a relationship, it will never become a part of the narrative, leaving us feeling unfulfilled and unsatisfied with our partner. 

How do we prevent these patterns from continuing? 

The simple answer is: solid boundaries. 

Oh, I know, you’ve heard it before… and it’s exhausting. Boundaries tend to be scary because people might not like them and then end up rejecting us. Although this is painful, it simply means you’re weeding out the people that were wrong for you to begin with, and much faster. It’s like cannon-balling into cold lake water instead of taking teeny-tiny painful steps that last forever. As hard as it may be, you will thank yourself later when you find a partner that recognizes your boundaries and does not expect you to fix anything for them. 

It is time to save yourself first.