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Espére is French for Hope

By Emily Keeling

Hope: to cherish a desire with anticipation. Synonyms include: aspiration, desire, wish, and ambition. When my mother was diagnosed with cancer for the second time in 2014, every one of my waking moments was consumed by hope.

Hope became somewhat of a “frenemy” to me. Always around, instilling visions of a life in which my mother was no longer desperately suffering. Hope was the first half a second in the morning when I woke up, before truth settled in. Playing on my emotions, it would project an image of her recovered before being helplessly returned to witnessing the deterioration of her life.

Hope was in the hundreds of doctor’s appointments for treatment and for consultations in which we refused non-committal and vague answers about her prognosis. And when a particularly bad day blurred our visions of hope, we went in search of it. Lying in bed doing online searches of bridal gowns I might wear at my wedding or discussing potential baby names for my future children. Hope was scheduled with visiting Jesuits from Marquette who would come and pray with us in her bed. Hope was measured after every PET scan in which my mother drew the exact size of her tumors, marking how much they had shrunk since the last scan.

I found that a synonym for hope (not listed in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary) is uncertainty. You cannot have one without the other. As long as my mom was fighting this most hated cancer and the outcome was uncertain, we could all clutch to hope.

Everything about death and dying—what it looked like and how it might change everything—was uncertain to me. And it was in these final stages that hope turned into denial.

When she was no longer able to get dressed, walk down the stairs and into a car for an appointment, it did not occur to any of us that the tumors were suddenly no longer shrinking, but growing. When asked at the hospice what my mother might like for breakfast, this on the morning in which she would later pass away, and I understood that fact, I clung to my denial, and the old familiar feelings of hope. I ordered her fruit and yogurt.

It was the week in which we were planning my mother’s funeral that uncertainty of the future became hope again. Hope that my mother’s suffering and that of my family’s could become something beautiful—something that eased the suffering of others grappling with the pangs of a life uncertain. Elle is the culmination of that supportive community, built on a foundation of complicated hope. One that accepts suffering as a part of life, but never stops envisioning less of it.

The Elle Espére event is for any and all people affected by cancer and their families on Saturday, August 3rd for a full morning of complimentary services. If you have a family member that has been affected by cancer in any way, join us. See the full schedule and details and make reservations for Elle Espére.