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Marriage: It’s an Art, Not a Science

By: Deborah Lukovich

When it comes to relationships, rational thinking simply goes out the window. For couples, this can look like having the same argument over and over again or having a volcanic reaction over something trivial. After some time and space, you may feel remorse and apologize. You may even try to get to the bottom of what happened, but it is likely that the event will repeat itself.

One way to understand this phenomenon is as a call to unravel a pattern of triggering and reacting that was established in childhood. Irrational reactions disguise themselves in scenarios that have nothing to do with the dispute. Consciously, we think the fight has something to do with one person not doing the dishes or flirting with someone, but when there is great emotion, it points to a more unconscious dynamic playing out. It is possible to shift your thinking about these painful events that cause you to get swept up in uncontrollable emotion. They can be opportunities to learn about yourself. This is important because it is through learning about yourself that you become better at relating to others.

The more intense your personal emotion, the more the root of your reaction lies within you. This doesn’t excuse any bad behavior on your partner’s part of course, but if you cannot calmly express your displeasure with something your partner did, then there’s more going on than you think.

Explore Complexes: A great place to start taking this on is through reflection on what you learned about relationships from your parents or caregivers. What did you learn about love for example? An honest exploration of your belief system, rooted since childhood, ignites tremendous insight.

Understand Projection: Think about what most attracted you to your partner in the beginning. What attracts you romantically to another is sometimes what is most undeveloped in yourself. The more intense your attraction is, the more likely that projection is taking place. If you use this insight to further develop what could ultimately be a characteristic you want in yourself, you will be pursuing more balance in yourself. So again, a discussion about relating inevitably comes back to a discussion about self. This means that you have more control over the rationality or irrationality of your relationships than perhaps you thought.

Join Deborah Lukovich, expert in Depth Psychology, as she hosts The Art of Marriage Workshop at Elle on Wednesday, January 16th at 6:30pm.