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Protecting Empathy

“You care too much.”

“Just move on.”

“Why do you put up with that?”

If you’ve ever had to explain the severe ups and downs of your relationship to friends and family members, you’ve likely heard these comments before. Women are commonly conceived as nurturing caretakers. They often have to learn how to assert themselves and prioritize their own well-being over their loved ones well into their adulthood. As a therapist, I see women from all walks of life, who find themselves attracted to partners that leave them feeling drained, taken advantage of, and broken. What I have noticed is that women with more extreme levels of empathy are vulnerable to unhealthy relationships.

Girls are not pulled aside and taught how to navigate an emotionally abusive relationship or even understand the red flags. What seems to be even less acknowledged is the role of empathy and attachment within relationship dynamics. These need to be understood in order to recover from emotional abuse and gain a sense of empowerment in the process.

As a highly empathetic person, you have the tendency to not only take on another person’s feelings as your own, but to also lose focus on what you value and want from a partnership. People tend to judge empathy as weakness, especially friends and family who want to protect you. To disregard your own well-being in an effort to accommodate the hurtful behaviors of another seems completely irrational to the objective person. The experience of a highly empathetic person can be intense, confusing, and isolating. Not only are you dealing with your own emotions, you so easily take on that of your partner while feeling the shame and embarrassment of how others perceive you.

You must understand the stark difference between your values and motives and those of the narcissistic partner. The beauty of having empathetic compassion is that you can easily identify the past hurt and discontent that has likely occurred to your partner. Unfortunately, this often leads to the misguided belief that it is your responsibility to heal his or her wounds.

I have grown to understand that I can’t ask a highly empathetic person to give up their empathetic heart or to not see the sadness that lurks behind abuse and manipulation. It is just not in your nature. Highly empathetic people are instinctively drawn to search for the good and connection with everyone they encounter.

As a therapist, what I can do is help draw the line between helping another and being hurt, between feeling for someone and forgetting oneself, between establishing personal strength and being taken over by someone else’s weakness. Being a highly empathetic person is not something to be ashamed of. It is something to tap into, honor, and protect. In order to do so, I will not ask that you hate another. I will ask instead that you love yourself as a priority. I will ask that you respect your ability to empathize by seeing its potential…and appreciating its limitations.

Stephanie Gibart is a psychotherapist and art therapist who sees individuals at Elle Studio + Wellness. Stephanie runs a therapeutic group, Protecting Empathy. 

*For the purposes of this blog and upcoming “Protecting Empathy” therapy group, I am not including the category of physical abuse. Those whose safety is threatened, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.