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Good Grief

To be completely honest, this piece is hard for me to write. Grief is a complex subject. It is personal. Heavy. And crippling. Personally speaking, I feel the hardest part about grief is that it is rooted in love. Love, or longing, that feels like it has no place to go.

Another person cannot claim to understand your love for something. They can merely observe it. Grief is similar. Another person cannot feel the density of your grief; they can only perceive your pain. As therapists, we understand that empathy is the bridge between humans that offers the power and potential of cultivating change. For me, every time I sit across from an individual who is struggling with grief, I cannot help but feel that every response or reaction of mine is just a show of sympathy rather than empathy. So, for every person that is reading this piece, I want you to know that it is okay to not know how to react to grief. It is okay to feel the chaos of grief. It is okay to feel yourself slip. It is okay to sit beside someone and simply hold them.

The words I offer are simply advice. It is not a prescription. It is merely a practice of perception. Please don’t set the expectation for yourself, or anyone else, that if you follow this advice, grief will magically undergo a metamorphosis. Because inherent in grief is the component of time. Many say that you grieve for as long as the loss exists. Acute grief is believed to be a two-year window. But healing takes an unknown amount of time and the amount of time it takes for grief to lessen is different for everyone.

Okay, here we go.

Most of us are aware of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Least known is the sixth stage: attributing meaning to your loss. Yes, I know it sounds inherently impossible, but stay with me.

Grief is full of triggers. I remember a time when my grief felt like my entire body was going into anaphylactic shock. For you, a trigger may be something you will eat, smell, hear, touch, or see. These triggers create an element of fear that surrounds the stages of grief. Grief can be triggered by every one of the senses and we cannot always predict when they will come. A wave of emotion, of pain and heartbreak, will suddenly come over you. And the memory of your loved one will sting in the depths of your soul.  

With a change in mindset, away from fear, this inevitable aspect of grief lends itself to the opportunity to attribute meaning to loss.

These triggers are all we have left. Let that sink in. That which you experience as pain are tiny fragments of light, of love. Remember that these triggers were once experienced as ‘good’ things. Don’t let the loss of love spoil the amount of love you had, and still have, for that person. That is the beautiful part of grief. The pain you feel demonstrates purpose. It shows us the undying love that will outlive that loss of life.  

Grief makes us feel like we need to fear who we loved. I urge you to challenge that feeling, that automatic narrative. Your heart and your mind might be exhausted. That is okay. Take the time to rest. But, remember to repeat to yourself that there is good in grief. 

That ‘good’ may be freedom, spiritual or emotional, which can lead to profound authenticity. That ‘good’ can be an inspiration. Maybe it will inspire you to take that trip you have been dreaming of, volunteer, write a book, cook more, or build a business, like the founder of Elle Studio + Wellness was inspired to do.

A professor of mine once said: grief exists because love lived first. Love lived first. This is what we need to remember to create meaning. Meaning starts with love. That love meant something to you. That love still means something to you. What is it? More importantly, what are you going to do about it?

Wednesday, August 19th, Elle is hosting The 6th Stage Workshop, part of its self-care series that tackles common mental health issues by treating symptoms in the body. The 6th Stage Workshop is led by Katie and is informed by Elle’s mental health therapists. Join us in your grieving journey by prioritizing your self-care.