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How to Incorporate Self-Compassion Into Your Life

Self-compassion seems a bit daunting, doesn’t it? I used to think this included manicures, cheesy Pinterest quotes or telling myself that I was the coolest person on the planet when I looked in the mirror; but for myself, and so many others, that did not feel authentic. When I mention the words “self-compassion,” many clients will simply roll their eyes and I already know what they’re thinking, “Leah, why bother when it feels so unachievable!” Sure, it feels unachievable when we associate compassion with something we must earn. But what if I told you that self-compassion is actually meant to meet us where we already are at?

A few years ago, I came across Kristin Neff’s concepts of self-compassion and found that my idea of self-compassion was a bit inflated. In fact, being self-compassionate is about practicing neutrality towards our strengths and flaws and adjusting our expectations to be a bit more realistic. Simply put, there are three components of self-compassion to consider:

Self-Kindness

Feels self-explanatory, right? Then why is it so difficult? Because being kind and gentle involves having realistic expectations. I do not expect my neighbor to be able to move a boulder by themselves, so why do I think that I should be capable of doing so? When I am better able to adjust my expectations and practice forgiveness when I fail at that, I can learn from the experience. Not force suffering upon myself. Additionally, I invite you to consider how quick we are to judge or critique ourselves but would likely be more flexible or considerate with a friend. A simple way to start building self-kindness is one simple rule: if it is too mean or unrealistic to say to a friend, try not to say it to yourself!

Common Humanity

This concept is divided into two important sections. First, part of self-compassion is recognizing that I am only human, and all humans suffer. I am not alone in this suffering and there are people who will be able to understand the emotions I feel. When isolated, we start to think there is something fundamentally wrong with us as an individual, but this is not true. It is easier to be gentle with ourselves when we recognize that suffering is part of the human experience in all its unique forms.

Second, self-compassion includes acknowledging external factors that have contributed to where we are today. Realistically, there are many factors in life that are not necessarily of our choosing including family, genetics, physical impairments, mental health, race, gender, sexual orientation, etc. This is not meant to place blame, but it is important to understand why we make the decisions we do and how we see the world because of these experiences. It is helpful to remember that we are not 100% responsible for how life takes its turns, but that this path can be unpredictable as well.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a nonjudgmental, present-focused mindset involving emotional awareness, tolerance, and balance. Kristin Neff said it best: “We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time.” Mindfulness asks us to refrain from avoiding or drowning in our emotions in response to an experience, but to find a middle ground where we can willingly approach them and hold them more gently.  This can be difficult to do, but we know that going through the emotion, rather than trying to dodge it or over-identify with it, is the most effective way to process the internal experience.

If I have convinced you to switch from criticism to compassion, I want to remind you that it is going to be a slow and steady process. You are probably thinking, where would I even start? Start with journaling, meditation and just generally observing your own thoughts. It’s not possible to interrupt and respond differently if we don’t even realize when it’s happening. It takes patience to completely undo the way we speak to ourselves, but you are worth it. 

Leah Hovel is Elle’s newest addition to its therapy practice team. She is currently accepting clients. Learn more about her specialties and reach out to us to coordinate your booking with her.