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Supporting Your Loved One Through an Eating Disorder Begins and Ends with Unconditional Love

Watching someone you love struggle with an eating disorder can be one of the scariest and most humbling experiences you can go through. So many of us want to swoop in and fix the problem; but unfortunately, it is not that simple. 

Eating disorders are often seen and treated as emotional-avoidance or emotion-driven disorders. For instance, if one feels insecure or inadequate, they may try to reduce that discomfort through restriction, binging, exercise, or purging. In doing so, they  engage in what is called negative reinforcement; a behavior that is reinforced because it takes away pain. If we hope to break this cycle, we have to help our loved one’s tolerate the pain they are experiencing without the use of a behavior. We can start to do this through three simple steps: identify, validate, and offer compassion.

Identify:  If you see your friend, child, or your partner noticeably appear uncomfortable or upset, take a moment to ask how they’re feeling or what thoughts are coming up. When we get caught in a thought spiral of emotions, it can be really hard to pause our brains for a second and say, “I feel really anxious right now.” This prompting will help your loved one slow down their thought process and reduce the likelihood that they will escalate even further. 

Validate: This one is tricky because a lot of support people are afraid of confirming the disordered thinking that leads to disordered eating in their loved one. Consider, for example, your loved one trying a new “fear food” and then believing that they gained 40lbs in the few minutes afterwards. Avoid trying to convince the person that they are crazy or irrational, even if the thought doesn’t make sense to you. Furthermore, avoid telling them that the eating disorder thoughts are right. Instead, a validating response might sound like, “I can see why you would feel so scared to try the food when that is how it feels. These emotions are really difficult!” 

Eating disorders thrive off of feelings of isolation and secrecy, so one of the best things we can do for our loved ones is help hold their emotions gently with them and provide a safe space to feel acknowledged when they do open up. 

Compassion: An invaluable step. Note that this is not done by attempting to fix or solve the problem for your loved one, but instead giving them the courage to proceed themselves with your unconditional and indefinite support. Compassion can be given in simple ways, such as, “I’m proud of you for doing something so hard,” or “Remember this emotion is temporary and you can do hard things.” Tap into the love you have for them to encourage their understanding  that they are not alone and they are stronger than they may feel at that moment. 

It’s important to remember that recovering from the eating disorder is not in your hands, it is in the hands of the one experiencing it. What you can do is help support and love them. Ultimately, it has to be up to them to work towards willingness, to set their own goals, and to practice distress tolerance with the support of a treatment team. 

Starting with these three steps will help foster a closeness that is essential in recovery. When your loved one knows that they are accepted and loved regardless of what they look or feel like, they will be that much more willing to step onto the path of recovery. 

Leah Hovel runs a group: Support Your Loved One Through Eating Disorder Recovery on the first and third Tuesday of each month at 6:15pm. Inquire with us to learn more and gain further skills in your role as a support person.